I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.