I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
🙋♀️
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay