I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Whoa… oh I see lol
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?