I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I hate when that happens.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now