“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story