I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…