“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Saturday
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..