“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise