I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You wish you had this many chins.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert