I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.