I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
What even happened today?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.