I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
6y/o: I don鈥檛 want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don鈥檛 want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it鈥檚 me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that鈥檚 absolutely the most unhinged
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Sees Sasquatch鈥檚 foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I鈥檇 hate to see the creature that鈥檚 attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are