I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Traveler’s camo
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…