@Tobi_Is_Fab

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

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@catstronomical

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@TopherKearby

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@relatabledad

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox