I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now