I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
it was love at first sight
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.