i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Breaking news:
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?