I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?