I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
it must be school picture day
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.