I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Brother?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.