I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.