i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
never stops being funny
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (