“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing