I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in