i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.