@BradBroaddus I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
@imchriskelly i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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@BradBroaddus 
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
@DothTheDoth Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
@Reverend_Scott Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
@daemonic3 Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
@mommajessiec Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
@Cpin42 Has science gone too far?
@LazerPunch I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
@crunchenhanced Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
@kentgrossarth Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.