@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

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@TeflonPawn

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

@bobvulfov

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

@Reverend_Scott

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

@LostFelicia

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

@PinkCamoTO

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

@mamatomy3

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

@SondraDeeMe

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.