@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

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@BradBroaddus

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

@mommajessiec

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

@LazerPunch

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

@crunchenhanced

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.