I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]