“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough