I want this so bad
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Going to church you guys need anything
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course