I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
figuring out my emotional availability:
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.