@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

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@sageboggs

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

@SlipperySecret

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@byrdie_num_num

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

@envydatropic

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

@Reverend_Scott

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

@azedand2knots

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.