I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Oh hi lol
mumsnet is amazing
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.