I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.