I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
You Might Also Like
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.
Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.