I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up