I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You Might Also Like
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.