I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.


The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.


Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.


INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*


Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?


People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.


I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.


5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.