I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.