I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]