I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…