I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.