I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.