@Caissie

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

You Might Also Like

@Browtweaten

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

@MyFairCharity

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@topaz_kell

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.