Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
This one’s “Alex”.