I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Bring back the McRib
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
damn he’s good
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.