I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”