I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
catch me on valentine’s day like
I’m sure it’s fine.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
OKAY DAD
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.