I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
best review i’ve ever seen
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops