I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
sleeping beauty
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.