Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

“I’m helping” 😅

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

How I like cutting carbs

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.