Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

What in the hipster hell is going on here

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

I’m a self-made hundredaire

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

what’s the point then??

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.