I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”
AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
what’s the point then??
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
It’s for his own good.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.