I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.