I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.