I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator