I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
U talkin 2 me?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Squirrels before girls.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room