I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.