“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
You Might Also Like
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just a bush.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Buying a well is money well spent.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”