I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.