I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
😆this is so true
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you