I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
😎 🍻
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.