I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Morning my dudes.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I need a headline like this
Perfection.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
They’re called werewolves.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
🤭😂
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’