I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.